Running from...

Why would a man in his 30's with a full family and a decent income want to go back into the Army Reserves?

I honestly doubt that I will be able to answer this question to anyone's satisfaction but my own. And there lay part of the answer.

The decision to go back, has been a deeply personal one and one that hasn't been made lightly. I've spent years trying to work it through in my own head. I've spoke with my wife about it on several occasions throughout our marriage and each time concluded that the time wasn't right, or that while it was something I felt like I should do, I'd never be able to do because the time would never be right.

This country, for all its flaws and imperfections has given me and my family a good life. Hell, its given me more than a good life, its given me a great one. Its allowed a farm boy who grew up in a small town on the proverbial "boil on a butt in the middle of no-where" to grow up, achieve more than anyone thought possible, to have a stable job, a beautiful wife, and raise wonderful children. Its given me the freedom to choose my path in life, and has allowed me to succeed or to fail in accordance with my efforts and intentions.

And its never asked for anything back but tolerance for stupid people and taxes.

I hold myself to a higher standard than that. I believe that a person does need to give back, does need to contribute, and does need to leave their mark on the world. My life hasn't been that.

While I have held jobs in my life, well paying, stable, safe, long term jobs, those jobs haven't been what I'd consider "great jobs". They provide for me and mine, but the cost is high. I've missed kids games, plays, doctors appointments, parties, and other key events and firsts in the lives of my children. I've spent years on call, tethered to a computer, phone, or other electronic leash all in exchange for a good pay-check.

My jobs have always required more of a sacrifice from me and my family than my country ever has asked for.

And none of my jobs had done anything other than to contribute to the bottom line of someone someplace. None of them have let me feel like I've really made a difference, left a positive mark on the world, or "fulfilled the measure of my creation".

So why go back? Why not call my prior service good enough?

My prior service commitment was for four years. And I didn't do it. I did two. Two is still a valid enlistment term, so why isn't that good enough?

Because its not what I said I would do.

I said I would serve four years, and didn't. I walked away, gamed the system if you will, and that has weighed on me everyday since then. Each time I look in the mirror, the load became heavier and heavier, that mark of shame, of failure.

The time is right now. I can go back. I have a good job, one that allows me to go back into service. We are finically secure, and taken care of if anything 'bad' happens to me.

The kids are old enough to understand what is happening, and to understand its importance to me. I've done my best to raise my children to live their lives without "fear" and to understand that they do have a duty to the world around them. It is not enough to simply exist, one must live, and really live to find joy.

I would rather have them finish growing up without me, knowing I was lost doing something I knew to be important than to have them live with me, living in fear that I could be hurt or killed.

In the end, it comes down to the fact that I don't like what I see when I look at my soul in the mirror. When I looked at myself in the mirror and saw how fat and unhealthy I had become I took steps to change it. I can do no less, for my soul. I cannot watch it continue to wither away and die, crushed by my own doubts and fears

Posted by: Running From the Past at 09:11 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 734 words, total size 4 kb.